My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
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