I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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