ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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