He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize