my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
