His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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