apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
