I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
