maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
