Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
