dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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