I cannot find my penis.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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