you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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