best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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