Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
We're not piercing ourselves today.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
