I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Randomize
