how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize
