I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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