There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
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this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
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For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
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