I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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