How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
