I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Randomize
