I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
ttyl tear gas
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
