She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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