I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
