after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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