Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
