pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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