Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
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