Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
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He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
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Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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