He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
