I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
