My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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