My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize