So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
