are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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