apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize