I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
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It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
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Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
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