____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
