I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
