i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
