party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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