dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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