His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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