My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
