After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
