I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Randomize
