Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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