I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
