When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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