and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
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We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Rumble strips road head = magical
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I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
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