the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
Randomize
