my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
