wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
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