Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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