i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
