Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
