and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Randomize
