onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
